Dear Allison

 

It was so nice to see you and talk some. I’m glad we were able to see where we lived and your old high school. Then seeing the old wooden park where we spent so much time when you were young was surreal.

You’re right about how the past can seem like someone else lived it. That seems to happen to me a lot when I look back. People and places sometimes blend together and ten years seems like three. Nothing is distinct and important things to remember are lost. So I decided to write about our time together when you were young to preserve some of those memories. 

The first thing that comes to mind is amazement that I ever became a father. All signs seemed to indicate I would be a lifelong bachelor as I wandered awkwardly through life. But there I found myself watching you be born. You were wrinkled with a thick shock of black hair and very pink and I didn’t know if that was normal but in that moment you stole my heart. Silently I was saying to myself I’m a father, I’m a father, I’m a father like I couldn’t believe what my eyes were telling me.

Then me and your mother took you home and I kept looking at your small dark eyes and thinking this is the first time she has ever seen sky or trees or butterflies … what is she feeling or thinking?  I felt a profound sense of the wonder of life as we rode along on your first day of being in the world. Then when I carried you into the house I felt this overwhelming sense of wanting to protect you.

You slept so much that first week then you began staying up during the day. One day I came home from work and you smiled at me for the first time. All my weariness left me. You were soon crawling all over the house and one day came into my office and I picked you up and you said your first words. Me and your mom were so excited we told all our friends.

Every day you were becoming more curious, exploring light sockets and opening cabinets. Birds fascinated you as they landed and took off from the patio. You would sit at the sliding glass door mesmerized as your little brown eyes saw butterflies and squirrels scampering across the yard. The crawling became partial standing then falling and as the weeks passed you became able to walk five or six steps before falling.

One day your mother and I were raking and you tottered toward us across the grass in a red and white eskimo suit. Somehow you lost your balance and fell face forward onto a pile of leaves then amazingly popped right up. We just smiled and laughed. It was really a sweet moment. Then a few months later you stomped into my office wearing my boots and smiling I thought to myself that’s my girl.

You grew so much the next several years and I was amazed how you absorbed everything you saw. Everyone could tell you were very bright. New words came out of your mouth everyday and you used the T.V. remote all by yourself. You even started putting movies into the VCR and were able to make your own sandwiches.

I remember when you first went down a slide…your eyes showed fear as I guided you down then at the bottom you smiled as you touched the ground. Then there was the pure delight in your eyes as I pushed you in the swing for the first time and tried to imagine what you were experiencing. Those were golden times and they will be forever alive in my memories.

You began making sentences and said some funny things when we were out and about and saw some of my friends. One time you told me a car had a sunburn because the paint was faded then pointed out a flat tire and said it needed a band aid.

Then came the questions. You wanted to know if grandpa’s hair was white because of the shampoo he used then you asked me what it was like getting old and I was only in my early forties. Also you asked me why the sky was blue. I said it was because God wanted it that way then somehow we got into talking about why the grass was green.

About this time I began looking for a place for you to attend preschool. Some of them were just so crowded and chaotic and I could see the fear on your face so I checked out others. They seemed so sterile and the staff seemed nonchalant. Then there was the Methodist School Center which seemed to make so much sense and I had a good feeling about it. 

I remember that first day your mother brought you out to the kitchen dressed in your sharp little uniform and made you oatmeal while I packed your lunch. Driving to the Center I thought about how this was part of the process which would lead you to one day moving away. Along with happiness I felt some sadness and somehow wished I could freeze that moment in time.

The Methodist School Center was the perfect place for you. It was very organized and the staff was friendly and professional. You were learning numbers and words in a small class and spending time playing and socializing with other little kids. It was a very kind and nurturing environment and it was there you made your first best friend, Maddie.

Before long I was taking you, Maddie, and her twin brother to the wooden park. The three of you would spend hours climbing or crawling through the wooden structure pretending it was an ancient kingdom.

Carefully balancing yourselves you would step along a row of upright tires knowing below was boiling oil then you crawled through the wooden space watching for the big, bad ogre that would chase you down the wooden steps. Sometimes it was giant spiders that chased you across the tube bridge. It was so amazing watching your little mind develop. It was magical.

Then in the second grade I sometimes took you two and some friends up to the Christmas House after school. We’d walk down a winding hall past Jack and the Giant who seemed to be grabbing toward you with his long arms then there was Cinderella and the evil stepmother. I’d hear little squeals or see mouths wide open and eyes staring in wonder. After that it might be Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or Santa Claus and his helpers. 

Then there was a room that had a miniature town circa the 1950’s that included a fire station, and a car dealership with a sports car in the showroom. Down a tiny road a lady was skating circles on a pond. The other side of the room was a Dickens English village with cobblestone lanes and snow covered thatch roofs and a man with a black top hat sitting on a horse drawn carriage. I would stand there imagining and almost feel I was living in those towns. 

On the way out I would buy everyone a chocolate truffle then we would step out into a brisk wind with large pecan limbs swaying. That night delivering pizza I would sometimes visualize those towns then before your bedtime I would call and feel all warm inside hearing your excitement from talking with daddy.  

Sometimes it would be just me and you. I remember weekends going to the Weeki Wachee attraction where we went on the riverboat cruise then watched the Bird and Snake shows. Then in the underwater theater we watched the mermaids perform their show. At the end a mermaid made a free dive deep into the spring. Suspenseful music would play then suddenly your eyes would light up in amazement when she reappeared. I really loved your reaction.

You also had a very playful side. When you were around seven you programmed my phone to sound like a cat when it rang. I kept looking out the window but you and Maddie just played dumb. I even went outside and when I came back you had a little smirk and I realized what you did. I just shook my head and smiled. Then at grandpa’s you hid his keys and slyly found them under a bush. That’s what made his hair white not the shampoo.

Approaching the teenage years things began to change. Your bedroom door was often shut with a do not disturb message. You had emotional moments that would erupt then a while later you calmed down and said you were sorry. Suddenly my car looked old and ugly and you didn’t want  me to drop you off at school. 

Then I remember when you said you had a boyfriend. My voice went up an octave as I said what!  I must have looked like a real goof because you and Maddie laughed. That night at the skating rink I watched from a distance as you talked to a boy. Also you became very conscious of how you looked and suddenly were buying all your clothes with Maddy at the Aeropostale store.

Your mother and I had divorced a few years before and about this time she started getting serious with a guy. It was really rough especially when she spent weekends with him and brought you along. Then sometimes she left you with him and his kids all day while she worked nearby. Those were long and sad weekends for me as I worried about you.

It was a dark, confusing period for both of us, especially you and I’m still haunted by it though less frequently with time. I failed you miserably but because you appear to be working through that and finding peace it encourages me to start letting go myself. I pray every night that all these feelings and memories will soon be resolved and healed and we can walk together in the bright, loving light of the present.

You were so brave and strong during that period. You didn’t withdraw and give up but kept fighting and living life. Though I didn’t always approve of your behavior I was very proud of how you always made good grades even taking the most advanced classes. Then there was the calendar you used to organize and plan every detail of your life. That gave me faith you would come out the other end okay and you’ve definitely done that exponentially.

The teenage years also came with some nice surprises especially when you joined the Drama club your freshman year and when you were in your first play I was blown away. As you stood in front of that packed audience and spoke perfectly a two minute monologue I was so proud. Somehow my shy little girl had become a beautiful butterfly.

I was also proud of how you treated other people. You expressed to me your dislike of the high school popularity game that was so shallow. I admired your fairness and you did have one of the most eclectic groups of friends from every race and economic background. You seemed very empathetic toward those looked down upon and went out of your way to be friends with them. 

However you did create some anxious times for me like when you called me and said you were exploring  small caves on private property with friends. I’m very claustrophobic. Then when you were a sophomore we bought you a car and there were a lot of anxious moments when you were somewhere driving after dark. 

I thought it was ingenious how you packed your car with friends so you always had money for gas. It was like you had your own travel agency. Things came to a head though when you started making 80 mile junkets across the state to the beach. Your mom was very concerned about insurance coverage for your friends so we set new rules for your travel agency limiting the distance of your excursions.

The years passed quickly and you were a senior in high school. We were like two ships passing in the night, rarely talking and living our separate lives. It was understandable since you were taking advanced calculus and trigonometry. You were also involved in outside activities like being in a creative dance group at a local church.

By your senior year you had taken all the right courses, done well on your college entrance tests and were bi-lingual in Spanish. You and your friends had been speaking Spanish at lunch all through high school. You had been seeing your academic advisor regularly and had chosen a major and was looking at colleges. How did I ever have such a grounded, level headed kid?  

I remember when me and your mom walked beside you across the football field on Senior night and I was surprised afterwards when you asked me to meet you at Applebee’s. I thought you would go some place with your mother.

That meant so much to me. We hadn’t talked very much in months and it was so special to have a really nice conversation. You brought up your plans for college and we discussed the pros and cons of going to a local junior college versus going away to a large University. I was delighted to find what a nice, intelligent, level headed woman you were becoming. You wound up going away to college that Fall and later graduated and have been working several years at your first job.

We’ve come a long way together from that day I first held you at the hospital. I can remember the giggles, the laughs, the smiles and even the feelings they gave me. Also the experience of pure happiness of seeing you grow into the woman you have become who I am so proud to call my daughter. In a part of me you will always be my little girl. I pray everyday you will have a long and happy life.

P.S. Let’s meet some time at Applebee’s.

 

                                      Love, 

                                                Dad